I Approve This Message

Election season is here. Hooray and/or yee haw.

I can tell that things are heating up because I’m getting more and more junk mail on the subject. Just today alone, we got three pieces of colorful campaign-oriented crap that went straight into the circular file.

I would like to propose an idea that would go a long way toward helping me choose my candidates, as well as being more environmentally sound. I am calling on all of those who are running for office to simply send me an envelope (or a box, if you prefer) full of money. On Election Day, I’ll count up what cash came from what candidates, and I’ll cast my votes accordingly.

This way, instead of putting all of that thought and money into all of these fancy 4-color brochures that I’m not going to read anyway, I’ll get something I can actually use, and you’ll gain my respect and possibly my vote. This would also help cut down on the amount of stuff I’m throwing into the landfills. In fact, if you’d prefer, we could set up some sort of direct deposit system so I wouldn’t even have to throw an envelope or box away.

It would also be swell if you could send me my share of the money you would have spent in vain attempts to sway my opinion via annoying television and radio commercials.

I’m Hank W. Smoot. And I approve this message.