The Great Guyliner Debate

As you can undoubtedly imagine, lots and lots of people have been contacting me lately, demanding that I take a stand on the issue of “Guyliner.” Am I in favor of eyeliner for men, or am I against it?

I spent a few precious nanoseconds thinking about my personal feelings about this fashion trend, and I have formed the following detailed position on the subject: No.

Perhaps it’s the old fart in me speaking, but I fail to see where there can possibly be any benefit whatsoever for a member of the male species to apply black goo to highlight his eyes. I’m not even sure it’s that great a benefit for women, really.

There are a few famous “guys” out there who have been to blame for popularizing this practice. Soon-to-be-crowned American Idol Adam Lambert is one of them. Pete Wentz from the band Fall Out Boy is another. And I guess it worked out okay for Johnny Depp as Captain Jack Sparrow in the Pirates of the Caribbean movies.

As I did some thorough research for this blog entry, I have learned that this craze is not only becoming more and more popular amongst those in the homosexual community, but it is also gaining ground with people who merely want to be gay, have been gay, or have used Bengay. Not that there’s anything wrong with any of that.

I found a web site that gives detailed directions for men who want to use guyliner. It says you should purchase black eyeliner, and start with a pencil rather than trying to use the liquid. Use a bathroom counter and lean close to the mirror to help keep your hand from shaking. Outline your eyes at the top and bottom in a thick line, and smudge it to make it “less perfect.”

Then stick your head in the toilet while five men beat you to a bloody pulp. I admit that this last step was my own suggestion, because that’s most certainly what would have happened if I had tried pulling a stunt like this when I was younger.

Anyway, I have to start wondering where all of this will end. Think about it… in recent years we have seen “the man bag” (it’s a purse, really). And of course let’s not forget the whole disturbing concept of “moobs” (do a Google image search on that one if you want to have some really bad dreams tonight).