For the Birds

I'm starting to get concerned about the bird situation.

Under normal circumstances I can easily go months at a time without birds decorating my car with excrement. But these last few days, it seems that I can't even go a couple hours without finding big honkin' blotches of bird treats all over my windshield. What's up with that?

The other day I found a blob that was so large that I'd almost be afraid to see what sort of bird was responsible for such a thing. I'm guessing, judging on the size and texture, that it had to be the work of at least a pterodactyl.

I was bothered by it enough that I decided to give the car a nice, thorough washing, which was a stupid thing to do. First of all, even though it was perfectly sunny while I was washing it, an enormous storm cloud moved in literally half an hour after I finished washing the car, and it hailed all over the place. Only I could cause balls of ice to fall from the sky on an 80-degree day. The next time we are in a drought, I'll just wash my car and guarantee it'll rain.

Anyway, not more than an hour later, I found yet another large blob of bird crap on my windshield.

I have come to the conclusion that birds are obviously doing this intentionally. They know darned well I had just washed the car. And they always manage to let 'er rip right on my side of the windshield where I can't possibly just ignore it. It would not surprise me to learn that there are birds that have altered their regular migratory patterns just so they could detour here and crap on my car.

I got to thinking about this last night as yet another blob splattered on my windshield as I was driving. Why are birds honked off at me? Then I realized that Mrs. Smoot had just told me about the fact that she had accidentally run over a bird while driving just a few days ago. She said she felt really sad about the whole thing, but I don't believe she went so far as to go back and try to give the bird mouth-to-beak resuscitation or anything.

So my new theory is that the birds have obviously gotten our address, but they're taking out their revenge on my car instead of her's. I'm going to put a big sign out in our driveway to let the birds know that it was Mrs. Smoot, not me, who ran over one of their pals. I'll include a big arrow that will point to her car. We'll see how that works out.