Economy Gone Bust

Well, of course it would seem that the economy has hit everyone pretty hard lately. And now Disney has announced that it is cutting one of the most prized job positions I've ever heard of. They have decided to eliminate "Breast Screeners" from their theme parks.

If you've ever been to Disney, or any number of other amusement parks, you have probably seen rides where they'll take your picture as you're enjoying the ride, and after the ride is over you can see yourself on a video screen. And then you can also pay a heavily inflated price to purchase a photo of yourself buzzing down the hill of a roller coaster, or whatever.

I have always enjoyed the opportunity to make a funny face on rides like that, purely so I could amuse myself and my fellow passengers at the end of the ride (see photo above, shot yesterday at Kennywood Park). But apparently some people have made a hobby out of flashing their breasts at the cameras, giving people an entirely different kind of experience at the viewing screens.

To combat this terrible, immoral, disgusting practice (yes, I'm obviously pretending to act like I think this is a bad thing, purely because I know that sooner or later Mrs. Smoot will get around to reading this), Disney has employed people who spend their entire days watching the video screens to be sure that the risque images don't make it to the public.

Several questions pop into my mind as I ponder this job. My first question, naturally, is: How does a person obtain such a job? I mean, what kind of things would they look for on your resume as you're applying?

INTERVIEWER: "What qualifications do you possess that will help you succeed in this position?"

INTERVIEWEE: "Well, I've been a pervert for my entire life, I have a vast collection of porn that I've downloaded off the Internet over the years, and from memory I can tell you at exactly what point to freeze frame several dozen movies with nude scenes."

INTERVIEWER: "Welcome aboard!"

Also, what kind of training is involved? Perhaps Disney sent these folks to European beaches to see if they could correctly identify topless sunbathers or something.

In any event, I would have to bet that the people who held these jobs were probably among the most punctual, dedicated employees who have ever been employed anywhere, in any position. I picture them showing up dramatically early for work every day, never bothering to take vacations or even lunch breaks.

I'm not sure what could be next for the folks who have been performing these duties all these years. Maybe they can go on to work at airports where they have those new see-through X-Ray machines.