The Great Sock Conspiracy

I've been giving it a lot of thought (much more thought than I probably should), and I think I have finally figured out what is going on with my socks. I don't like to sound alarms and unnecessarily claim that there's a whacky conspiracy going on, but I have decided that there is a whacky conspiracy going on, and we should sound the alarms.

I was doing my laundry the other day, and as per usual I came up with an odd number of socks as I was getting everything folded. This happens to me all the time, despite the fact that I am quite sure that I normally wear two socks at a time. This works out to exactly one sock per foot, according to my calculations. On days that I happen to get an even number of socks out of the dryer, I can only assume that I am probably missing two or perhaps four socks.

In the past I have been mildly curious to figure out what exactly happens to the other sock(s). I have given it some more thought, and I'm quite certain that I have it all figured it out: The missing socks are being transported back to the fine folks at the Hanes factory, which is located in another dimension. Think about it. Have you ever been to the Hanes factory? Ever see signs for it on the Interstate? Me neither.

I discovered that there is a mysterious tube attached to the back of my dryer. Perhaps you have one at the back of your dryer – go check! Come to think of it, the folks at Sears installed our new dryer last fall, probably because they're in on this whole thing. The tube runs through our basement to a wall at the side of our house, obviously leading into the Hanes Dimension through some kind of vortex or some such thing. Clearly, the socks are being sucked through this tube, and right back to Hanes where they can be cleaned up, beamed back down to Sears, and resold to unsuspecting people.

Since I keep running out of socks every few months, I have to keep running back to Sears to get more. Those socks will just eventually wind up getting sucked back into the Hanes Dimension, and beamed back to Sears where I'll eventually go to buy them again. Hanes is clearly making a killing off of this never ending cycle; I have probably spent hundreds of dollars for each sock I'm wearing. I can't believe I've been falling for this all this time.