Pitching a Tent

MESSAGE FROM THE HANK SMOOT FILES EDITORIAL STAFF: Yes, we know that the title of this posting can take on a different meaning, but rest assured this blog entry is about a literal tent. Hank had originally considered calling this entry "Erecting a Tent," which we thought would be worse yet.

If you ever see me, and you think that I'm in a really, really good mood and I need to be brought back down, just suggest that I go out and attempt to put up a new tent.

This winter we ordered a new tent through an incentive program offered by our bank. For every dollar we spend with their debit cards, they give us "points" which we can redeem for fancy merchandise. For example, $100,000 gets you a fancy shirt with the bank's logo on it. After about 17 years and trillions of dollars worth of collecting points, we earned enough to get a new tent.

Our old tent was getting a bit worn, as I noticed by the stream of water that flowed through it the last time I used it during a rain storm. So the new tent has been sitting in the basement for several months, waiting for me to get up the nerve to try to put it up.

Little Smoot and I retreated to the back yard the other night, and after some degree of toil, we managed to form the materials into the shape of a tent. Little Smoot was very excited about the whole thing, meaning that she has been bugging me non-stop about going camping since then.

The bad part of the deal is trying to get the damn tent back into the impossibly small bag that it originally came in. I suspect that the people at the Coleman company hide a camera in each bag so they can watch people attempt this stunt, knowing full well that it's impossible. They'll use the footage for entertainment at their annual Christmas parties.

Anyway, after using a series of winches, wrenches, wenches and witches, I managed to get the zipper closed with the tent inside. And then, naturally, I realized that I still had a whole bunch of other accessories -- strings, posts, canopies, etc. -- still sitting outside the bag.

I was just glad that the Swearing Neighbors weren't outside to hear me at that point. I don't like to compete with them. Eventually I somehow managed to get it all stuffed inside, hidden camera and all. Next time I do this feat, I'll get to do it at a campground surrounded by people who can watch and mock my actions. Oh, goody!