Checking Out

In my Utopian world, I would create some new requirements for people who want to use the self-checkout line at stores.

It seems that I have a nasty habit of getting behind people who have never in their lifetimes encountered an electronic device of any sort, let alone something like a self-checkout line.

The other day I was at Wal-Mart (or "Stuff-Mart" as our friends like to call it), and I managed to get behind a woman who had no clue in the world what she was doing. Periodically the automated screen would talk to her ("Please insert payment card," etc.), and she would talk back at it, as though it was going to carry on an entire conversation with her. Perhaps she didn't notice that this wasn't an actual person, I don't know.

In response to this woman and other clueless people of the world, I would create several new rules:

1. If you're over the age of 110, please choose a line with an actual person behind the counter.

2. Even then, you should not be allowed to use a debit card. It will only confuse you. Pay with money, or, if you're really old, just trade a pelt.

3. People choosing to stand in front of me in the self-checkout line will have to first pass a competency screening exam to see if you have any comfort level when it comes to dealing with electronics. The test will consist of a computer screen that says, "Press the green button." The screen will consist of nothing but a large, green button. If the person cannot figure out how to press the green button, they must go elsewhere. I promise you that a lot of people would fail this test.

Oh, and another thing. On another, somewhat related topic, I am starting to think that people should have to pass some sort of "shopping cart driving test." I was walking through the store and it seemed like some of these people were specifically aiming for me. I had to dart out of the way of oblivious cart operators several times during my very short visit.

I was getting a little concerned when it occurred to me that these same people would be driving actual motor vehicles in the parking lot.