Institute for the Profoundly Gullible

My e-mail address has apparently landed in a database for really stupid people. I picture a building, somewhere in Nigeria, called the Institute for the Profoundly Gullible. Inside the building are a bunch of hard-working scam artists who concoct really stupid stories in an effort to swindle stupid people out of money.

My e-mail address seems to be at the top of their list. I'm guessing that someone tipped them off to the fact that I'm not amongst the most intellectual people in this particular hemisphere. Therefore I get tons and tons of these scam messages every single day.

Here's a summary of some of those messages from just the last 24 hours alone:

- MR. JOHN MIKE (they always capitalize their names for some reason, perhaps to indicate just how important they are) wants me to provide all of my personal information and DNA samples to him. Pffft. Snippet from his message: "You have to make sure you forward the above information to the Company to enable them commence arrangement towards delivering your box of money worth ($900.000 USD) immediately." Wooooo... a box of money! $900 is chump change compared to most of my offers, though.

-This one is more like it. $19 million... now we're talking! "I am Barrister Bin Dauwat, an attorney at law. A deceased client of mine who shares the same last name with you, died as result of a heart-related condition in March 12th 2008 leaving behind a deposit valued at $19 million dollars, his heart condition was due to the death of all the members of his family in the tsunami disaster on the 26th December 2004 in Sumatra Indonesia."

- This one is just $850,000. I mop my shoes with that kind of cash. "This is to inform you that Your winning Price of Eight hundred and fifty thuosand usd.($850,000.00USD)has been forwarded to Western Union for immediate transfer to you as soon as you meet up with the demands of the transfer charge of $175." Transfer this, moron. Just take the $175 out of my $850,000, and send me the rest.

- Anyone who wants to use a cancer diagnosis as the basis of their scam should have a very toasty portion of Hell reserved in their name, in my opinion: "My name is Mrs. Maria Bejes I am a dying woman who has decided to donate what I have to charities through you. I will be going in for an operation, and I pray that I survive the operation. I have decided to Will/Donate the sumof 10,300,000.00 (Ten Million three hundred thousand Dollars) to charities through you for the good work of the Lord, and to help the motherless, less privileged and also for the assistance of the widows. I,m in a hospital where I have been undergoing treatment for oesophageal cancer I have since lost my ability to talk."

- I must have made a strong impact on this guy: "I wish to notify you that late Engr. Jurgen Krugger made you a beneficiary to his WILL. He left the sum of Thirty Million, One Hundred Thousand Dollars (USD$30,100.000.00) to you in the Codicil and last testament to his WILL.This may sound strange and unbelievable to you, but it is real and true. Being a widely traveled man, he must have been in contact with you in the past or simply you were nominated to him by one of his numerous friends abroad who wished you good."

If you'll excuse me, I have to go make some room for all of this cash I'm going to be rolling in. Wheeeee!