I Really Enjoyed Intercourse This Weekend!

Yes, indeed! I had a great Intercourse experience over the weekend. And it was my first time! Sadly, I experienced Intercourse alone, though.

By now I'm sure you recognize the hilarity of the name "Intercourse" as a rural community near Lancaster, PA. Intercourse is a small, very Amish town, and a bajillion people seemed to flock there over the Labor Day holiday to gawk at people in bonnets and purchase butter and such.

Personally, I'm growing more and more suspicious of the whole Amish thing. Seriously. Amish people allegedly live their lives as though it was still 1750, shunning new technology and wearing comically old-fashioned clothing, but what kind of sane person would do this?

Let's look at the evidence here. For one thing, the Amish don't use electricity, which would make computers pretty much out of the question. Yet nearly every one of these quaint Amish places miraculously had a web address on their signs. Who puts up these web pages... the cows?

Here's another odd thing I noticed. Later in the weekend I was driving through State College, home of Penn State University and Joe Paterno, and I literally couldn't carry on a conversation with an old college friend because we kept losing the cell phone signal. Yet in Intercourse, where bales of hay outnumber residents by a million to one, the cell signal was tremendously good no matter where I was in that area. Who the heck is using their cell phones out there... the cows?

And the Amish people never look very happy. I strongly suspect that they always look so grim because you only ever see them in the middle of the day while they're putting on their whole Amish "show," and frankly those clothes look awfully itchy. At night, I would bet you any money that they hide out in underground bunkers and have Wii bowling tournaments, just like regular folk.

I think the reason the Amish go through this routine every day is that, frankly, it moves the merchandise. If you were to tell your spouse, "Hey! Let's go buy some jam!" they'd probably roll their eyes at you and possibly threaten you with physical harm. But if you suggest buying jam from people in authentic clothing from days of old, they'd perk up and run out to start the car, wouldn't they?

The Amish know this, and I personally witnessed flocks of people buying butter, jam, pies, etc. And this was during a not-so-grand economic climate. People love this crap, and the Amish are reaping the profits to the extent that they have the entire library of Mario games in their bunkers.

So, needless to say, I am really getting suspicious of these so-called "Amish." And their cows, for that matter.