Wrap Crap

If there's one thing I'm just terrible at (ok, there are lots of things I'm terrible at) it's wrapping Christmas presents.  I always put it off as long as humanly possible because I really don't want to look at the end result any longer than absolutely necessary, for fear of causing permenant eye damage.

This year I actually got things "wrapped" a little early, rather than waiting until 11:59 on Christmas Eve, as per normal.  I guess I just wasn't born with the Martha Stewart Gene.  And I suppose I find the whole thing a little pointless.  Who came up with this idea of wrapping gifts in the first place?

Think about what a waste the whole process is.  We take all this time to wrap the presents in paper to disguise them, and then we shred it all to pieces on Christmas morning to see what's hidden beneath it.  Woop-de-doo.  The end result is an indoor snowstorm of wrapping paper, flying all over the place, with some pieces still being retrieved from behind the couch as late as Labor Day.

If I hadn't mentioned it previously, I'm also terrible at buying gifts in the first place.  You know how some people have a knack for coming up with the perfect gift ideas -- the ones where people gasp with excitement when they open them?  I never think of those.  People always try to be polite, but I can tell they look at my gifts and immediately think, "I wonder if I could get anything for this piece of crap on eBay.  Nah, probably not."

Well, as if it's not bad enough that I stink at buying gifts in the first place, I have to narrow my selections down to things that come in rectangular packages.  Otherwise, I'll just never be able to wrap them no matter what.

As I was spending the better part of yesterday afternoon wrapping just a few gifts (thank goodness, Mrs. Smoot takes care of the vast majority of things, so I really just have to wrap her stuff, mainly), it occurred to me that surely by the time a person reaches age 41, surely they should know how to operate a pair of scissors properly.  But no.

When I cut the wrapping paper (undoubtedly at the wrong size), I always manage to cut it severely crooked.  I would be much better off if I just left the roll outside and waited for deer to gnaw on it.  It would undoubtedly be more presentable.

Oh, and I can never seem to use enough tape.  I don't know what my obsession is with tape.  Even though my gifts end up looking like they were wrapped by escaped mental patients, the wrapping would undoubtedly stay on the packages with just a tiny percentage of the tape I ultimately wind up using.  Sometimes I have more tape on a gift than wrapping paper.

Wrapping things as poorly as I do, there is at least one advantage.  I really never need to use those "To: From:" labels.  On Christmas morning, everyone can simply look at the quality of the wrapping and say, "Ah!  This one must be from Hank!"

Anyway... From Smootville to your neck of the woods, I wish you all a very Merry Christmas, and a swell 2010!