The Kleenex Kontroversy

I think it's about time we do something about these out of control Kleenex manufacturers.

I consume my share of Kleenex. I have some sort of unnatural obsession when it comes to keeping my nose clear of boogers and other nasal anomalies. I like to think that when people see me on the street, they can remark to one another, "Wow. Now there's a man who takes his personal nasal hygiene seriously."

So I routinely go through plenty of Kleenex, which brings me to the problem. When I open a new box, I always try my darndest to remove just one single Kleenex from the box, but this is apparently impossible. The powerful Kleenex cartel has seemingly decided that upon opening the box, it will be virtually impossible to extract any fewer than four or five tissues for the first use.

Once you get those first few out everything is fine, but things are so tightly jammed into the boxes that the first bunch of them always come out as a big blob. What are we supposed to do with all of the extra ones? I've tried jamming the extras back into the box, but that just creates new, annoying problems. Sometimes it screws up the entire box so none of them come out correctly, and getting each Kleenex out is like conducting an archeological dig.

I've tried wasting the extras by dedicating two Kleenexes to each nostril… or by sharing a couple with the cat, or whatever. But my point is that I end up wasting numerous of the first tissues, and you just know that the Kleenex people planned it this way.

Just a few Kleenexes doesn't sound like a whole lot, but think about it on a grander scale. Imagine how many extra boxes of Kleenexes they manage to sell every year because they're ripping us off by as much as 5% per box! This is obviously worthy of some sort of litigious action, and we should start passing around petitions, or some other sort of irrational action, and soon.

And don't even get me started on toilet paper.