Things a 42-Year-Old Shouldn't Be Doing - Part III

There's something very alluring about a Slip-N-Slide.  It could be the slipping.  Or perhaps it's the sliding.  I don't know.  Whatever the case, I was unable to control myself when the organizers of our church picnic unfurled one last weekend.

We had been playing volleyball in some pretty warm temperatures, and I saw a couple folks erecting the Slip-N-Slide at the top of a perfect hill.  Several other kids were already in line, and I knew I'd have to sprint up there to avoid standing in an even longer line.

I was very tempted to push my way to the front of the line because I'm a jerk, but then I remembered that this was a church picnic and God warns us against doing things like this ("Thou shalt not pushest thine way to the fronteth of the line for thou Slippest-and-Slideith").

So I waiteth my turn like everyone else, and debated how I should approach my ride.  Should I catch some air and jump down the hill, or should I just lie down and give myself a gentle push like an elderly person on a Slip-N-Slide should do in an attempt to avoid total organ failure?

Well, naturally I went with the "catch some air" approach, which really does launch a person pretty far, especially if that person has a few extra pounds in the gut region.  I decided that the Slip-N-Slide people should really consider making the plastic just a tad bit longer -- say 100 yards or so -- to accommodate people of my age and size.

I found that the standard Slip-N-Slide was woefully short, considering I continued slipping and sliding a long, long time after the plastic had run out.  This meant that I was whooshing through a grassy area, arms flailing, for quite a while before I came to rest practically out of sight of the picnic.

I should also note that my chest looked like some sort of weird Christmas display, glowing with red (from brush burns) and green (from grass stains).  But I am happy to say that I learned my lesson from that experience, and only repeated it three more times before calling it quits.